Reference

Eph 4:25-5:4

Sermon Discussion Questions:

Read Eph 4:25-5:4. Of both the positive and negative characteristics listed in this passage, which describes your speech most frequently?
How do you know if you are engaging in gossip?
Do you ever struggle to define what is appropriate speech for a Christian?
Why is bitterness so deadly? (Read Heb 12:15)
Read Eph 4:32-5:2. How do these passages help us in our battle with bitterness, unforgiveness, gossip, anger, and crude speech? What does unforgiveness reveal about what we believe about God’s posture towards us?

What verse in the Bible feels most intimidating to you? Here is mine:

“Not many of you should become teachers, my brothers, for you know that we who teach will be judged with greater strictness.” - James 3:1

Why will I be judged more severely than you? Because it is my job to give you God’s Word, to say, “Thus says the Lord.” But given the rest of what James goes on to say, I wonder if he isn’t thinking of Proverbs 10:19 when he is considering the danger of being a teacher:

When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent.

Prov 10:19

In one sense, my job is to multiply words. And since we are flawed human beings, when you heap up lots of words, there is a good chance that sin will be found. And since there are few things more destructive than sinful words, people should enter this job with a sense of trepidation. Earlier in James, he gave us this maxim: “Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger,” (James 1:19). All of us should have listening be our default mode, and speech should be second. Hearing should be the microwave that heats up instantly; speaking should be the oven that takes time to get going. Jesus teaches us that one day we will have to give an account for every careless word we have spoken (Matt 12:36), so if your mouth is a faucet of words, James is advising you to be careful.

In fact, listen to how much of a premium James puts on this kind of verbal restraint: “If anyone thinks he is religious and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his heart, this person’s religion is worthless,” (James 1:26). Maybe you consider yourself a person who just “doesn’t hold back” who “tells it like it is,” who cannot help yourself from making every opinion, criticism, suspicion, and perspective you have known to all. That kind of verbal incontinence is not applauded by James. It is a sign that your religion—the practice of your faith—has not sunk down to the depths of your heart yet.

Hear how James finishes his thought:

2 For we all stumble in many ways. And if anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle his whole body. 3 If we put bits into the mouths of horses so that they obey us, we guide their whole bodies as well. 4 Look at the ships also: though they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are guided by a very small rudder wherever the will of the pilot directs. 5 So also the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things. How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire! 6 And the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life, and set on fire by hell. 7 For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind, 8 but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. 9 With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God. 10 From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers, these things ought not to be so. 11 Does a spring pour forth from the same opening both fresh and salt water? 12 Can a fig tree, my brothers, bear olives, or a grapevine produce figs? Neither can a salt pond yield fresh water. - James 3:2-12

It is amazing how negative James is here about the power of the tongue. Can’t our words do great things, like bless and edify? Absolutely. You can see the capacity for good by comparing the tongue to a spring of water or a fig tree or a grapevine; our mouths are capable of giving life, of growing up whole orchards of fruit trees and vines. But they are also a great fire that can burn that orchard down. James’ focus is on how our tongue can curse other people—we can use our words to tear people down, even as we use our mouth to bless God. And, in the words of James, my brothers, these things ought not be so.

Every now and then, we make a brief intermission in our regular study and focus on a subject. Today, we will be taking a brief break from the gospel of John to examine the power of words: words that build up, and words that destroy.

(Page 978)

Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another. 26 Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, 27 and give no opportunity to the devil. 28 Let the thief no longer steal, but rather let him labor, doing honest work with his own hands, so that he may have something to share with anyone in need. 29 Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. 30 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. 32 Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

1 Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. 2 And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. 3 But sexual immorality and all impurity or covetousness must not even be named among you, as is proper among saints. 4 Let there be no filthiness nor foolish talk nor crude joking, which are out of place, but instead let there be thanksgiving. (Eph 4:25-5:4)

Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths. - Eph 4:29a

What is “corrupting talk”? It is the words that match the “corrupt” manner of life that defines someone outside of Christ: a life controlled and dictated by the feelings and urges of the moment. If we search around, we will find some specific examples:

Corrupting Talk is Crude

But sexual immorality and all impurity or covetousness must not even be named among you, as is proper among saints. 4 Let there be no filthiness nor foolish talk nor crude joking, which are out of place, but instead let there be thanksgiving. - Eph 5:3-4

Dirty jokes, perverse profanity, speech that takes the intimacy of the marriage bed, and expose it for public, to make it seem ordinary and silly through laughter. How do we know what constitutes “crude joking” today? Isn’t that fairly subjective?

Shakespeare’s “biting of the thumb” as an example or Lewis’ Chronicles of Narnia using light profanity. Or even Paul’s use of the word skubulon or telling the Galatian heretics to emasculate themselves.
The Bible does not give us a list of particular four-letter words we are forbidden to speak, but in whatever context and culture that Christians are in, our speech should constitute a sense of decorum. Much like modesty (which is culturally defined in some sense), Christians should always be conservative in how we speak, never pushing the envelope on what is transgressive; not using the signs and symbols of our culture that communicate a sense of immorality, that would communicate that you think that God’s design and law are something to make light of or rebel against.
You kind of know it when you see it, right?

“There is no indication here that Paul is a prude who is advocating an unreasonable moratorium on all forms of humor. He seems to be saying that humor is like anger — it may be appropriate on certain occasions, but it needs to be carefully controlled because it can easily degenerate into sin.”

What should we have instead? Paul says Thanksgiving. Which strikes me as an odd reply. Something like “purity” or “holiness” or “self-control” would make more sense when discussing the temptation to sexual immorality and crude joking. That kind of filthy talk, Paul says is out of place, and, apparently, what is in place is “thanksgiving.” That fits. That makes sense, to Paul.

Why? I’m not even sure I fully know the answer, but here is my best bet: look at the verse that precedes this:

1 Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. 2 And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. - Eph 5:1-2

You are a beloved child of God—sinner though you are.
You have a noble calling (be imitators, walk in love)
You don’t have guess at how much Jesus loves you (as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us)
You don’t have to guess if God is angry with you (Jesus’ offering was a fragrant offering; He is pleased).

When you see and believe that, your mouth will be marked by gratefulness. Joy. Wonder.

Corrupting Talk is Violent

“Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.” - Eph 4:31

Bitterness: This term refers to “hard heartedness that harbors resentment about the past.” Bitterness is hanging on to hurt. Sometimes it is about sin and refusing to forgive. Sometimes it comes from envy at a life you don’t get and you feel bitter at the injustice. Sometimes someone hasn’t sinned against you, but you still feel hurt by them and don’t let it go.

“See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no “root of bitterness” springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled,” (Heb 12:15).

Roots spread. You may be bitter about what your parents did or what your spouse said, or the way you got snubbed at work—but if you let that root grow, in time you will see that disposition begin to surface in other areas. And left unchecked, in time, your life will become a tangled knot of nothing but bitterness. Roots grow. And the longer they are left to grow, the harder it is to pull them out.

Eventually, this disposition of bitterness reveals itself in “wrath and anger and clamor.” Clamor is literally “shouting.” Earlier, Paul advised the Ephesian church: “Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, 27 and give no opportunity to the devil,” (Eph 4:26-27). There, Paul commands Christians to be angry, but to not sin. The fact that he a few verses later tells the Ephesians to just let all anger be put away from them likely demonstrates that the instances where we can be righteously angry and not sin are few and far between. And perhaps Paul’s concept that anger that persists beyond a day is an “opportunity” for the devil is just another way of describing the concept of the root of bitterness. A heart that persists in unforgiveness, that stews in anger over injustices and wrongs, is a heart that Satan is pleased with.

Eventually, you just become an angry person. You snap, your voice is sharp, you tear people down, you unload on them, you use derogatory language and biting insults, you scream over people, you don’t think about how your words affect the people you talk to or the people around you as you scream at the car that cuts you off, you only think about venting your feelings and fury. Shouting, wrath, anger.

Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them. - Col 3:19
Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. - Eph 5:25-27

We tend to think that we can stop being bitter once the person we are angry with fixes the problem—but notice that Paul’s command here is unconditional. He does not say that we can put bitterness away once the other person has apologized, once they have made it right. Bitterness has no place in the life of a Christian, full stop. How do you prevent this?

Paul tells us: “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you,” (Eph 4:32). Sometimes forgiveness is easy, sometimes it is hard. Sometimes you can forgive and forget. Sometimes forgiveness is something that takes daily discipline to choose, over and over and over again. Either way, we are conscience bound to forgive.

What if every instance of unresolved bitterness, of unforgiveness was a confession about what we believe about the nature of God’s relationship towards us? Paul seems to think that our experience of God’s forgiveness serves as the basis for how we extend forgiveness to others. So, if we fail to extend forgiveness, might it be from us (in our heart of hearts) doubting whether or not God has really forgiven us? We functionally still believe that God condemns us for our sin, so we continue to condemn others.

Our outrage at other people’s transgressions reveals what we believe about God’s response to our own transgressions. If we claim to receive such mercy, but withhold it from others, then we need a stern, loving, gospel-rebuke: Jesus Christ died for you when you were at your worst.

Your sins are far worse than you think, and you are more loved than you can imagine.

Corrupting Talk is Manipulative

Let all…slander be put away from you, along with all malice. - Eph 4:31

What is slander? This is literally the word “blasphemy” and it refers to “any kind of speech that is defamatory or abusive.” We use the term “blasphemy” usually to refer to when someone speaks in a dishonoring way about God, but it can also be employed when we dishonor each other. Slander is a form of gossip, which Matt Mitchell defines as “sharing bad news about someone behind their back out of a bad heart.”

Sharing Bad News

It could be true or it could be false
- Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another. - Eph 4:25
- The one who states his case first seems right, until the other comes and examines him. - Prov 18:17
- Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. - 1 Cor 13:7
Just because something is true, it doesn’t mean that we have the right to repeat something shameful that someone else has done.
- Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all offenses. - Prov 10:12
- Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. - 1 Pet 4:8
Questions to ask yourself before you share: “Is this story true? How do I know?” “Is this story mine to tell? Is it their’s to tell me?” “Is this story bad news?”

Behind Someone’s Back

The Bible puts a premium on honest, transparency. Jesus taught us that if our brother sins against us, we are to go to him directly and tell him his fault (Matt 18:15). We do not go first telling a bunch of other people about it—we go to them directly.
“Would I be telling this story if he were here? Why or why not?” Am I hiding this conversation from anyone? Am I ashamed of it?” “Would I want someone else to talk this way about me if I were not in this room?”
Paul was willing to speak negatively about people who were not physically present with him: he warned Timothy about Alexander the Coppersmith (2 Tim 4:14-15).
There are instances where “secretive” conversations must happen—seeking out pastoral help in complicated situations are warranted at times. This can be difficult to discern, but that is why the next part is so important

Out of a Bad Heart

The Bible has different categories for gossip; all of them are sinful, but not all are equally destructive.

Slander formally is when we are saying things that aren’t true (a form of lying), but the term can expand to any kind of secretive talk that is malicious in nature. This appears to be what Diotrephes was doing about the apostle John: “I have written something to the church, but Diotrephes, who likes to put himself first, does not acknowledge our authority. 10 So if I come, I will bring up what he is doing, talking wicked nonsense against us,” (3 John 9-10).

There is idle-gossip, the activity of the “busybody.” One reason that Paul encourages younger widows to get married, have children, and keep a home rather than become permanent widows who are financially supported by the church is the distinctly feminine temptation to gossip:

Besides that, they learn to be idlers, going about from house to house, and not only idlers, but also gossips and busybodies, saying what they should not. - 1 Tim 5:13

This is more than just wanting to know what is new in someone’s life. These are women “saying what they should not,” meaning that they are divulging information that they have no right to divulge just for the sake of having the scoop, being in the know, the sheer salaciousness of it. The book of Proverbs says that the words of a gossip are like “delicious morsels” (Prov 18:8; 26:22). There is some ugly thing inside of us that enjoys hearing bad things about people: Oh, their perfect life isn’t all that perfect?

What unites all gossip though is that it is “sharing bad news behind someone’s back out of a bad heart.” You want to talk negatively about people because it makes you feel better about yourself,

“Why am I saying this?” “Are these words loving toward the person I’m talking to?” “Are these words loving toward the person we’re talking about?”
Speak as if someone is listening in on you.

Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. - Eph 4:29